


God Made Farts

by Violet Lunar Wolf (Dragon_MoonX)



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Absolute crack nonsense, Farting, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Inappropriate Humor, Parody, Religious Humor, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23324188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragon_MoonX/pseuds/Violet%20Lunar%20Wolf
Summary: Mary Lou invites Robert Tilton to the church one day. I'm sure you can imagine what happens next.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	God Made Farts

**Author's Note:**

> This is not meant to be offensive. It is not meant to be taken seriously. It is a parody, a crackfic made for laughs, nothing more.

It began as just another ordinary day. The people, dressed in their Sunday best, filed into the Second Salem church, taking their seats and waiting for the sermon to begin. But this time Mary Lou had a surprise for them in the form of a special guest speaker.

Her three children, Credence, Chastity and Modesty, sat in the front row, giving them the perfect view as Mary Lou walked out, carrying Ivan in a basket filled with leaves.

She deposited the basket on the floor, then motioned towards the door on her right. "Ladies and gentlemen of the church, I would like to welcome my close friend Robert Tilton. He is here to enlighten us on the Lord's creation, specifically farts."

Several people in the audience turned their heads, questioning their companions in hushed tones. Credence leaned forward with his head in his hands, covering his face in embarrassment while Modesty snorted and giggled.

"Yes, my brothers and sisters," Mary Lou continued, ignoring the faint whispers and mutters of confusion. "Because God made farts. God made everything in existence. You might think you were an accident, you might think you have no purpose in life. But God has a plan for each and every one of you, and nothing He makes is unintentional. It is a gift. You are a gift," she said, pointing to some random person in the audience. "But I think my dear friend Robert can explain it better than I can."

And with that Robert Tilton proceeded to spread his cheeks and blast himself into the room, causing several people in the front row to pass out from horrendous stench.

"Hello!" Robert chirped joyfully, fanning the fumes away from his bottom. "Golly, I sure am stinky. But you know what people? That's alright, because God made farts. He made farts because He has a sense of humor. He could've taken that air, that great force of nature itself - " It was here that he broke off in midsentence, scrunching his face as he squeezed out another poot. "Oh, hallelujah!" he exclaimed loudly.

Mary Lou, enthralled by his performance, started laughing and clapping her hands like a drunken seal. Her children, however, decided to let it go, because it was nice to see her happy about something other than leaves and peas.

"He chose to take that blessed sound the angels make, trumpeting their horns for all of mankind," Robert continued, ripping a magnitude 8.4 colon blow that rattled the glass in the windows. "And He could have passed it through any part of the human body when God created man. Eye, ear, navel, but no! He chose to pass it through the two biggest flaps of ham we have on our body. And if you don't fart, you are disrespecting the Lord!"

"Amen!" Mary Lou shouted, unleashing a tidal wave of chocolate pears in her underpants. She was just so excited she couldn't help it, her massive, sulfur scented butt bombs peeling the wallpaper and cracking the floorboards beneath her feet.

Robert Tilton joined in, creating a chorus of anal harmony that doth pleases the masses. Together they succeeded in shaking the building with such force that the church collapsed, and Robert Tilton's bum exploded as his guts splattered all over the walls.

Then, when the dust had settled, Mary Lou poked her head out of the rubble and screamed 'Witches!" at the top of her voice. Only no one heard her because they were all unconscious from the stink.


End file.
